i am supposed to be doing about ten things right now.  so naturally, here i am, writing in my underwear, cocktail on one side of me, dog on the other.

can i just say, that i would MUCH prefer beer or wine to liquor?  because i do.  i don’t know what that means..maybe just that i’m your average, all-american broad.  it does make it challenging to maintain a healthy lifestyle, though.  vodka has WAY fewer calories.  i only prefer cocktails when i’m feeling extra fancy and someone else is making them for me and they have complicated ingredients.  oh well.

ever have a song on repeat so long that you kind of forget about it every few turns, and then you realize again that it’s on and hear a certain thing [the squeak of fingers changing chords on the guitar strings, or the way a singer breathes in between lines] that you haven’t noticed ever before, even though you’ve heard that song dozens or hundreds or thousands of times?  i’m doing that right now; i do it all the time.  i used to think it meant i might be psycho, because i didn’t know anyone else who did that, but–just like with most other things i used to despise and judge myself for– i dig it now.  i don’t mind being predictable in some ways.  and i really do just LOVE the things that i love.

my ex-girlfriend from what seems like a hundred years ago [in gay years, that means about 7] messaged me on the one social media site that i haven’t blocked her from [i don’t think i’m able to; it’s a music listening site.  i probably am by now, but at this point, it wouldn’t make sense].  she was my first long-term relationship, we had mutual friends, we got together when i was only 20 years old.  she was a total dick to me.  pretended to be cocky, but was actually even more insecure than me.  we couldn’t have a conversation in person, and we couldn’t have sex [as in ever, in our entire relationship, which lasted longer than a year], but i was “in love” and i thought that meant that “NO MATTER WHAT”, i was committed and had to give it my all [which i did] and take the bullshit and the lying and the manipulation without complaint [also successful here] and never break up with her [which i didn’t do until the very end, when i had friends telling me for months that she was treating me like shit, when i knew myself that she was treating me like shit, when she had broken up with me multiple times, just to get back together a day or a week later.  when she enlisted in the military without talking to me about it at all]. 

she told me she had been thinking about me and us and, though it’s been several years, she still wonders what i’m up to and how i’m doing.  this part was nice to hear, because she was actually being vulnerable and honest for once.  then she said how sorry she was for treating me so poorly.  this part was also nice, because she really dicked me over in a lot of ways.  long story short: she was a pill-head, which also made her a liar, and a manipulator, and i just won’t get into the rest.  use your imagination.


my neighbors just rode by on their bikes and it makes me want to go outside.  i feel like the more time goes by, the more and more i love being outdoors.  i used to hate how hot florida is, until i realized that the alternative was having it be too cold for my liking, several months out of the year.  i love water and beaches and palm trees and swimming, playing in our new vegetable garden, bike riding, running, boating.  all of those things go perfectly with florida weather.  anywhere else, and there would only be a handful of months that i could actually do that. 
p.s. i wear hoodies when it’s 60 degrees.

!viva la florida!


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