this week, i started my new job [!!]. i kind of got the job by accident; when i left my last job to go back to school, the plan was that i wasn’t going to work while i was in school full-time, because i have tried that about 983475 times before, and failed miserably.
but one of my professors emailed me a few weeks back asking if i’d be interested in a tutoring position she was recommending me for, and it was one of those things that i couldn’t say no to. yes, technically, i could have, but after hearing things like “flexible hours”, “on campus”, “was asked to recommend an excellent student”, and “great opportunity”, i felt like it would be ridiculous [and insulting] for me to say no. i have been freaking out about it ever since, mostly because i am having a hard enough time balancing my life and succeeding in school as it is. [also–I HATE CHANGE. I AM SCARED OF EVERYTHING.]
a handful of years ago, i wouldn’t have even thought about saying yes, but i would’ve wondered for years “what if?”. after talking to my wife and some family members about it, i decided to just go for it. being recommended for this is a HUGE compliment to me. it is something i would never have expected–i’m a good student, but not because it comes easily to me, and not because i am super organized or timely or some level of genius. i have been working my ass off since i started last august, and i study double the time some of the other students do [which doesn’t always mean i get better grades]. i do try to participate, but i don’t speak up a lot in class because most of the other students are 10 years my junior and apparently have never seen a lesbian before.
i was never the type of student that teachers “recommended” things for, and the fact that last semester i was recommended for the honors program, and this semester i was recommended for a tutoring position–it really just blows my mind. i feel inadequate and insecure and scared. but i’m doing it anyway.
the biggest message i’ve been hearing since i started honors is that we MUST get involved. college is the time when it is okay to fail; college is the time when it is okay to change your mind; and you NEED to try EVERYTHING in order to figure out ANYTHING that will make you happy!
it’s kind of like having those promiscuous years, where you fuck any-and-every-one who you want to [or don’t want to], simply because you can, and because you may love it [and you may hate it], but nobody’s going to give you shit for trying it out. because that’s what these years are meant for.
so, though i have yet to actually tutor anyone [today was my first day not “shadowing”, and since it’s friday AKA a slow day, i didn’t have any students come in for my subject], i have a good feeling about this job. weeks of freaking out, crying, panicking, worrying about my GPA and my already-high stress level, have finally given way to just doing it. and i think it’s going to be good.
fingers crossed, mothafuckas.