a quick update:
i am HAPPY. i feel GOOD.
simple as it sounds [and i guess that is appropriate], it is almost overwhelming right now, because i have been in such a damn funk for a while. i think that i have been so anxious and stressed about school starting up again, which also meant work starting up again, and all of the other crap that school and work entail. sometimes i get so carried away worrying about the “what ifs”; it is something i am always working on.
i have been in school for a full week now, and i absolutely LOVE my classes. i also signed up for a drawing class, not at my school, and think that it will be AWESOME for me. i can’t wait to develop my creative side, and i think it’ll be even better since i won’t have to worry about a grade.
my professors absolutely rock, and i feel like things are falling into place. i have to remind myself how hard i worked last year- hard enough to get into the honors program, hard enough to get a good GPA, hard enough to earn scholarships, hard enough to be PROUD of myself.
i screwed up so much in the past that sometimes it overshadows my present successes, and i don’t want to let that continue to happen. i feel that i have done everything i could to “pay” for my past, and i have done everything to rebuild myself, my life, my relationships.
i think that mostly everyone has forgiven me, or at least mostly forgiven me. i know that i will have to continue to “prove myself”; but i am starting to realize that EVERYONE has to do that. and it’s not “proving oneself” as much as continuing to make the effort with people. whether you’ve screwed up or not, you always have to work on your life and your relationships. i don’t want to be forever trying to compensate for the times i wouldn’t speak to my family; i have apologized enough, and wish to focus on having a happy relationship with them. it takes effort to do that, whether you’ve had issues with them in the past or not.
when i keep myself involved in life [school, work, exercise, spending time outside, being with family and friends], i have found that it is easier to feel good. when my physical self is healthy, my emotional self is healthier. i used to hate when people said that- mostly because i was afraid that it might be true. when you take full responsibility for your mental health, you are no longer able to blame anyone, or use it as an excuse. you are no longer able to cop out of things; you have no excuse NOT to participate in life. if you are unhappy, it probably means you’re not doing enough.
granted, there have been plenty of times that no matter what i do, i still have that dark cloud bullshit- i remember one night, wanting to go for a run after vacuuming the house for the third time that day, even though it was after midnight and i’d had a few glasses of wine. i couldn’t stop crying, i couldn’t stop cleaning, i couldn’t do anything to “make” myself feel better. but at least i tried, and at least, for the most part, my attempts were healthy.
so many times, i feel undeserving. and so many times, i feel guilty for what i have. this translates to fear and anxiety, and wondering when everything is going to come crashing down on me.
i don’t know if that’s normal; if once you finally learn to deal with your depression, you then have to learn to deal with being HAPPY. nobody told me that; it wasn’t in the manual. but i guess, like everything else, it’s a part of life- something you have to roll with.
in the meantime, i am trying to focus on those moments when i feel absolutely blissful. like this one.
i am sitting at the kitchen table, working on math homework [after hours of screwing up, i am FINALLY starting to understand this section!], my pups are snuggling across from me and looking adorable as ever, and my wife- after spending the past few days of this beautiful long weekend with me- went to pick up a few things at the grocery store.
i’ve got good music on, slept in this morning, and my cold is getting better [who gets a cold in august?!].
cheers to goodness.