howlidaze

i love my family and consider myself to be pretty close to them as a whole. having a lot of siblings means that you can’t be super close to every single one of them; naturally, you gravitate towards one or two, and stick with them the most. but overall, you have a general closeness and comfort level with everyone.

it has been different for me since i can remember. as a kid, i blended in with the rest of them [standing out in my own crazy way, as we all did, but overall blending in], but somewhere along the way, things changed for me. my relationships with my siblings changed; my relationships with my parents changed. i think it was my depression; it changed me, and i let it. i was a bad sister and a bad daughter. i was mean and angry and selfish and disrespectful; i hurt them all a lot.

it is something that i have apologized for more times than i can count. and it is something that i absolutely refuse to apologize for any more. [even while writing this, i know that it is unlikely i will ever stop apologizing for it completely, but i am at least going to try.] it took me a long time to get to this point– i know i have over-apologized, mostly because of the crazy amount of guilt i feel and can’t get away from. but i have made strong efforts with my family for years. YEARS! i can’t undo the past, and i can’t take away the pain i caused. but i can [and do] try to turn it around, rebuild those bridges, make the efforts, come around and spend time with them, invite them over, etc.

still, something is not 100% and even after putting in so much effort with them, constantly, for years and years–i am still somehow the black sheep. it’s not fair. i have been hurt too, but i don’t let it put distance between us–i try to overcome it.

anyway. i don’t know what else to do anymore. i’m tapped out.
christmas was awesome, i won’t pretend it wasn’t–but parts of it also made me sad. there was that old familiar ache in the pit of my stomach that kept popping up.
it’s weird, family shit. my family has always been “loud and proud”, we have awesome crazy traditions and inside jokes. but i constantly feel like i’m trying too hard to be like the rest of them, rather than just easily BEING one of the clan, as they all are.

it could be “the dark years” damage, it could be the fact that i’m gay [even though they are cool with it], it could be something totally random that hasn’t even occurred to me. who knows.

i am just sick of trying to prove myself, and i’m sick of making such efforts, only to be shrugged in. i know they don’t dislike me, but i am definitely not on the list of people to text to meet up with downtown for a beer [which i love to do].

i think the old familiar winter blues are getting to me. i get stuck in my head and feel worthless and absolutely alone. i was just getting out of my mild depression this time around when my wife and i had some big fights that made it come back with a vengeance. cliche as it is, i can’t shake the idea that nobody truly gets me; that nobody ever will. sometimes i’m not sure whether it’s me that is unreachable, or rather if i am incapable of reaching others. the worst part about feeling so alone and depressed is that you begin to self-sabotage and you stop reaching out to people–the one thing that might make you feel better–because you don’t think they want to be around you [and you don’t blame them, because you don’t want to be around you either]. it’s pretty pathetic, but it’s true.

i think sometimes, as my wife says, you just have to let it go–i’ve done what i can to make up for it, and it’s time to get over the past..just move on and have fun. i will continue to make efforts with them, but i will stop trying so hard to prove myself. maybe that’s what’s making it awkward.

in other news, NEW YEAR’S is in..JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS! 🙂
in the past, i have scoffed at new year’s resolutions, saying that if you really want to change something, you should just change it- regardless of the time, or trends, or traditions. but alas, i am trying to be less bitter, and obviously what i’ve done in the past has gotten some great things, but also some that i would like to change or improve upon.
it’s a good excuse to reevaluate. 2014 has been great but tough, and i am ready to fly in 2015!

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