letting go

“one day she woke up and decided to be happy”

it’s not as simple as it sounds, but i have learned that happiness is a conscious decision– or, rather, many conscious decisions throughout the days and nights.  i have been scared of that responsibility + accountability at times, and i have been empowered by it at others.

but really, lately i have been learning that so many things are choices.  i am trying to remember that if something a person did, does, or seems, brings me negative feelings– then i can and should choose to simply stop thinking about them and stop wasting good energy on something other than GOOD.  and when i have no choice but to see them, interact with them– i should try my hardest to see them for the good in them– because we all have that inner goodness.  if we all chose to see the best in people..if i chose to see the best in people..the world, my world, would be more pure.  i would be more pure.

so often, i catch myself dwelling on the negative– not to BE negative [although the outcome really is just a greater focus on negativity], but to try to SOLVE it.  i want to “figure out” someone– why did they do that to me, or my spouse, or my family, or my friend, or that random person?  if i can figure it out, maybe it will make it hurt less.

but i am realizing that the only thing trying to “figure it out” does, is create more misunderstanding, and give more energy to the negative crap.  it is better to just let someone be who they are, and try to see the positive in them.  THAT is really the only way to get close to knowing someone, maybe.

over a period of time–i’m not sure how long, as i just realized this very recently–i have really, REALLY had my guard up in a serious way, mostly all of the time.  it makes me scared to think about how scared that person inside of me has been.  i have ignored her, forgotten to feed her and nurture her.  she is small and bald and naked and screaming, yet her voice has grown so weak from neglect that she can barely be heard and has gone unnoticed for some time now.

i am grateful that i have realized this now–it lightens my heart just acknowledging some of the burdens i have carried.

and now i shall continue to nourish my inner self.  i don’t care if it sounds weird or eccentric or hibbity-dibbity—i have had SUCH an unhappiness [overall happiness, but partial unhappiness] inside of me, and struggled with such negative feelings– mostly about myself, but also projected outward– that i invite some inner peace and happiness, and am consciously letting go of fear of judgment in getting there.

i know nothing will cure my depression, but i also know that many things will lighten it and lessen some of the pains and burdens of the past that i have clutched and carried so close to my heart and been afraid to let go of, for fear of- of what?  i do not yet know.  for fear of them coming back to get me?  for fear of someone else reminding me of them, or judging me for them, or using them against me?  maybe all.  maybe i have been afraid that if i let go and try to forget, that someone else will remember or even that i will do them again- who knows.

but a child makes mistakes and a teenager makes even more.  everybody, at any age, makes mistakes.  and i will continue making them–which scares me.  but i need to go a bit easier on myself.  forgive myself.  move forward.  honor my self, celebrate life and living.  allow myself to heal.

my wife and i have been spending much time outside lately, and it has been so enriching.  i don’t need to run a marathon to cure my depression [although it does help, haha!], but i DO need to do things that help me stay grounded.  exercising regularly, being outside often, making healthier choices.  we have already kayaked twice this week, and it’s only wednesday!  it feels so good to be active outdoors with her..it is like we are really, really B R E A T H I N G .

i am terrible at yoga, but am going to continue to try– nothing fancy or crazy, just simple moving and stretching and breathing.  i did a 15 minute “sunrise” one yesterday, and i just felt like it opened my lungs so much!  today i was planning on going to the gym to get some major weights and cardio time in, but i have decided against it.  my body needs something less strenuous today, so i am going to take a long walk with my pups.

cheers to good health!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: