what are you waiting for?

“love me like you do” is a song i will probably never get sick of.  i don’t care how mainstream it is, or whatever; it’s one of those songs that just gets IN you..it’s the instruments and the voices and the energy of it all.

anyway.  i haven’t written in a while and i am so glad to be back!  i had some health issues that are now *finally* resolved..if i thought i disliked the way western medicine and medical care in the U.S. worked before, i DEFINITELY can’t stand it now!!  several doctors’ visits, several bloodwork tests, and several awful side effects from the medication i was prescribed.  it took about a month to get it COMPLETELY out of my system [i was on it for a month to begin with] but i am now feeling more like me..including regularly crying my eyes out [who’da thunk i’d have missed that?!] and being able to WRITE again!  hoo-wee!!

this semester has been a whirlwind and i am SO welcoming the respite that thanksgiving and december will bring.  i have a trip to chicago next week for a 5 day conference; after that i have a ton of schoolwork/projects/papers but honestly i have been so stressed out lately with everything that the stress and fears have faded and the Universe has sent me good, chill vibes to dominate.  i’m still scared, stressed, and nervous, but i am able to put that to the side [aka ignore it] and focus on other shit.

one thing i am trying to focus on is how i am loved.  even just those words–i.am.loved.  sometimes it scares me [read: IT SCARES ME A LOT, A MAJORITY OF THE TIME] to be loved, to be happy, to be lucky and have wonderful things going on in my life.  i don’t know if it’s my depressive tendencies or something in my personality or what..but it makes me scared that something bad might happen!  i know that is just taking time away from enjoying the positive things, so i try to remind myself to breathe, relax, and live in the moment and appreciate all of the good.  it’s easier said than done, but i am working on it!!

lately i am really becoming aware of the fact that people really DO care for me.  maybe it’s because i’m coming out of this funk, but i haven’t felt like people have really wanted to just BE AROUND ME for quite some time.  i think sometimes you don’t realize how strong a feeling or experience was until it’s over; then, once it is not in the overwhelming immediate, you can actually look at it and be a tiny bit more objective.  that’s usually how it goes for me when i go through a bout of depression; it isn’t until i am really coming out of it that i realize how bad it was.  right now, i am realizing how i really AM loved, and it is making me realize that i guess i haven’t felt this kind of love [not that it wasn’t there; just that i wasn’t realizing it] for quite a while now.

our family and friends have an ever-growing presence in our lives, and this new home means many more events that we actually have the room to host them in!  homework and studies have fallen a bit to the side, but for the first time, i am OKAY with not getting all As!  life is too short to focus so much on grades, and i know nobody looks back on their life when they’re laying on their deathbed like “well, at least i was always on the dean’s list!”  i am still doing well in school and THAT IS ENOUGH.  i think life is really pulling me towards LIFE, towards my wife and my marriage and my pups and our home; to our little family and our big family; to our friends and neighbors and community.  to the things that make us alive!!

i think it took a lot of these stressors, both positive and negative, and health issues that finally turned out to be ok, for me to realize how many amazing things are going on!  and to focus on those, rather than punish myself for anything under an A+ [both literally and metaphorically].

“life i love you, all is groo-vy!”

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