i am realizing that i no longer wish to pursue my PhD.
i know that is weird to say, when i am only currently working towards my bachelor’s degree–a PhD is worlds away–but for quite a long time now, i have just “known” that i would continue my education until i got my master’s, and then my PhD. to now sit here and recognize the fact that i may not actually want a PhD is crazy to me. but it’s true.
my dream is to write. my goal is to write. i have always said, i write not just because i want to [although i do, very much want to, always!], but because i have to. there is a need in me to write; there has been for as long as i can remember. i wrote stories and poetry as a kid–i have a very clear image in my head of a picture of me reading one of my short stories aloud to my first grade class. i was wearing my Brownies uniform and showing them a picture i drew of a bird. i also remember the guilt i felt when, after my teacher complimented me on the story and asked about one particular part where i “drew suspense”–did i do that on purpose?–and i said yes, not really knowing whether i did or not [this very much counted as lying to my elementary Catholic self].
i still write stories; more often i write poetry and journal entries and–my favorite–personal essays. and i still have that old catholic guilt, though i haven’t been practicing for over a decade.
my question is, how can i write for a living? i will always write, and i understand the beauty of writing just to write. but i also want to find a career that satisfies me. i don’t need to move mountains or be famous or go on book tours [though, of course, that last one would freaking rock!]. i don’t need to be rich OR famous–i don’t even WANT to. but what i DO want is a career that makes me happy. i keep learning this semester about how difficult [read: “impossible”] it is to make a career out of writing, but that doesn’t make me want to do it any less. and i really DO think that it can happen. the question is how?
feeling discouraged, feeling stifled in english classes that are all “theory this” and “theory that” when all i want to do is READ AND WRITE.