i am super behind on my studies, so naturally, it’s time for a blog post. 🙂

sometime last week, i started [attempting] meditation.  now don’t get me wrong, i’m not turning into a yogi–although that would be awesome–but i really want to work on my health, both mental and physical.  i am sick of the self-sabotage, self-doubt, uber-insecurities, and fighting every day just to not hate myself.  sometimes i think the only reason i haven’t completely isolated myself is my little family [wife and dogs].  and i don’t want to be like that anymore.  i don’t want to drink a giant bottle of wine just to calm down my crazy.  i don’t want it to be a struggle just to go to the coffee shop and order my latte, or skip the gym just because i feel awkward saying hi to the employee at check-in and am afraid of running into people i know while i’m looking more out of shape than ever.  i’m better than that.

so yeah.  i know from experience that being physically healthy actually REALLY helps my mental health [it really is shocking..and also, DAMMITMYDADWASRIGHTALLALONG!].  and i guess it is unsurprising that i am currently at my highest weight and pretty out of shape [not at my worst fitness level, but very far from my best].

i’ve been moving more–kayaking with my wife, taking long walks, picking up my gym habits again..but i can’t train for a marathon like i did years ago, due to injuries, and i don’t want to depend on extreme workouts all of the time [although i do love them].  so i’d like to supplement exercise with something else, and i decided to give meditation a try.

it’s been a week, and i’ve been able to stay consistent with it, although i am still having a difficult time trying to keep my focus.  i picked up some mala beads–not just to count my meditations, but also to remind myself to meditate, which has helped a great deal–and am planning on wearing them, at least for a little while.  it’s nice to have a physical reminder to meditate; so often we forget to make time for the things that keep us healthy.

the funny things: 
:::i am pretty bad at meditating.  i mean, seriously.  the first couple of times i tried it [and still, sometimes] i felt like i was a fake.  i felt more like i was TRYING to meditate, than actually meditating.  i guess it is going to take a long time for me to be able to calm down my mind and focus on one thing [or nothing].

:::using mala beads helps- as a reminder to get my meditation time in, and also as a counter so i focus on my mantra rather than let my thoughts run wild, which they tend to do.  but DAYUM it is actually hard to get the hang of them!  i read that you are supposed to use your thumb and ring finger, which turned out to be harder than it looked, haha.  i kept dropping my beads, or letting them slip into my hand.  it has taken some time to get the hang of it, though i’m slowly getting there.

:::my dogs love it when i meditate.  i mean, they absolutely love it.  because guess what they get to do?  come and lick me, paw me, and sit in my lap the whole time!  i am still figuring out what to do to make this less of a distraction, although for now i kind of just let them go crazy and do their thing, until they have calmed down enough to let me do mine.  we are all calmer in the end 😉

the not funny but good things:

:::while i don’t exactly feel more “at peace” in GENERAL, i DO feel more at peace during and just after i meditate.  the nice thing about mala beads, other than reminding you to meditate and being useful to keep count while you are, is that they have also reminded me to “keep it in check.”  i am really trying to help my mind maintain focus on keeping things light and positive, and it helps having a reminder.
i think that since i am so brand new to this, i have a long way to go before i will experience any long-term effects, but i am looking forward to them and i’m confident that as long as i continue to put effort into it, i will feel more able to “control my crazy” with time.

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